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Sources report that Cranston resident Timothy Collins is hoping to save enough money to eventually make it to Heaven, where he’d be able to live out the rest of eternity in God’s loving embrace.
“I know it may seem unrealistic,” said Collins, who holds a steady job at the local Holiday Inn but still has student loans to pay off. “But God said there’s a place for everyone in His kingdom, and I really think that if I put in the time and try to cut back expenses I’ll be able to piece enough cash together to claim mine.”
Collins added that he’s wanted to go to Heaven ever since he was a kid. “My mom always said we’d go see my grandparents there but we were never very well off, so she had to go to Hell when she died.”
Added Collins, “I miss her.”
More and more Americans are having to give up on their plans to visit loved ones or lost pets in Heaven and resign themselves to the fiery torture of Hell, all because they can’t afford the hefty fees associated with entrance into the kingdom of the Lord.
“I know holy paradise is a little bit of a crazy goal for someone like me,” said Collins, adding that he understands that God has only infinite space and infinite resources to offer to those wealthy enough to afford His divine mercy. “But dreams keep you going, you know? All I can do is work hard and try to make smart choices for my eternal future.”
At press time, God was drafting plans to add another Starbucks to His palace in the clouds.
