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The Brown Noser

Man With Scar Arrives To Collect Firstborn Child As Per Apple Privacy Terms And Agreements

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Shortly after Melissa and Steven Withers welcomed their first baby into the world, a man with a scar arrived to collect the child as per the Apple privacy terms and agreements.

“The clause appears in subsection 19 on page 497 and stipulates the surrender of our first heir or heiress on the eve of its birth,” said Steven Withers, skimming through the online contract he signed four months prior. “I tried arguing that since we didn’t actually read what we agreed to, they had no right to take my baby. But apparently those agreements are binding.”

Withers recounted how the terrifying man sent by Apple placed their child into a burlap sac, which he slung over his shoulder before climbing a ladder up into the helicopter hovering above their house.

“I was just trying to update my phone quickly,” continued Withers through tears. “I didn’t know I was signing over my child to Tim Cook.”

At press time, the Withers discovered that they had unknowingly forfeited their home to Pinterest.

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