Stephanie's articles
Immediately upon opening her laptop Wednesday in class, Madison Bernard ‘26 reported her computer is clearly out of shape since it’s breathing real hard right now.
“My computer has been huffing and puffing its ass off since the moment I opened Safari,” said Bernard as the computer’s pathetic endurance disrupted the entirety of her sociology lecture.
After a confusing couple of minutes away from her laptop, junior Lauren Kim was reminded of her whole personality by her laptop stickers.
“I had walked from my south campus dorm all the way to my Smitty-B seminar, and by the time I arrived at the classroom, I was completely at a loss for who I was,” said Kim, racking her brain for the morsels of her character that made up her identity.
In a recent When2Meet sent for an English DUG meeting, total loser Rosalinda Deluz self-reported being free the entire day.
“The invite was for a Friday night. This dweeb put that she was free from 7AM to midnight with zero other preoccupations,” said DUG leader Thelma Gibson as she carefully shaded in her own cooler 15 minutes of availability total on the shared schedule.
Local experts report that Speedster Ricky might have gone a little too fast there.
“We all loved Speedster Ricky. He’s the fastest thing this town ever seen! Don’t mean he can’t go a little too fast at times,” said first responder Greg Buckley, standing over a smoking pile of charred wreckage, within which Speedster Ricky’s human shape isn’t distinguishable.
Local boat guy, Tim Dunston, reports that he often fantasizes about his emergency tsunami plan.
“They say the first sign of a tsunami is always an earthquake. Now, you bet the second I feel that ground rumbling I’m jumping right into this sexy 2008 Sea Ray Sundancer,” said Dunston, slapping the hull of his small fishing skiff that is supposed to withstand 550-miles-per-hour rushing water.
Despite the commercial success of “Dune: Part Two,” in a recent interview, Denis Villeneuve lamented that Warner Bros. had rejected his original proposed title of “Dune 2: 2 Dune 2 Handle.”
“It’s 2 bad, because I really thought that we had a winner in that title.
Despite the common held belief that Dog is Man’s best friend, Dog has recently come out and defined Man more as an acquaintance.
“Man always just assumes they’re my number one, and I’m not really one for labels, but if I were to classify Man, they’d definitely be an acquaintance,” said Dog, curling up in Man’s lap and licking their entire face as a casual colleague.
The 2024 Academy Awards have announced a move to recover from a longstanding tradition of racism with thoughtfully selected sexism.
“As a top institution in the entertainment industry, we acknowledge the harm that our racist legacy has caused on creators of color throughout history, and we intend to not only fix this injustice but commit another injustice in its place,” said Academy CEO Bill Kramer, encouraging all female creators to be courteously removed from consideration in racial solidarity.
Recent sources have reported that a single cloak forgotten on a table in the Sharpe Refectory has been perpetually saving the table since 1875.
“A jacket on the table calls dibs, everybody knows that,” said Tyrone Jackson, swerving away from the cloak left by Archibald Kensington III who graduated in the class of 1876 never knowing his misplaced garb would forever reserve the table in his name.
POINT: U.S. Air Strikes Ordered In Response To Growing Terrorist Activity by CNN News Alert
Breaking News today out of the White House. As alleged terrorist activity escalates, the President announces a first wave of air strikes against the target group.
In a local Providence apartment, tenants claim their landlord is just a collection of interchangeable Italian brothers.
“Mikey only comes to fix the dishwasher, but if the washing machine is broken we are supposed to contact Tony. Vinny collects the quarters from the dryer but we send our rent to Nicky until now they made us change to Giuseppe,” said tenant Gina Villega, unable to discern the dark-haired middle-aged assortment of Sicillian brothers that waltz in and out of her apartment in no particular order.
Last Wednesday in an ENGN 090 lecture, students reported that junior Milly Whittier crocheted throughout the entire class like she was a homely prairie girl gearing up for winter.
“She pulled a bail of yarn out of her straw bag like she had freshly spun it herself after the autumn sheep shearing,” said neighboring classmate Duncan Thompson, noticing Whittier’s wide-brimmed bonnet tied under her chin.
At Friday’s family movie night, Dad’s enthusiastic screening of his favorite buddy comedy “Hitchhikers” hints that he is probably bisexual.
“That kind of close male relationship isn’t heard of these days,” said Dad, longingly fixed on the screen as two queer-coded male leads tussle in a corn field, suggesting Dad could be attracted to men.“Boy do I miss roughin’ it up with the boys like that.
On Friday afternoon in Pine Avenue, sources reported the pop up of a local literary busker, Jenna Norton, who shouts her new screenplay at passing pedestrians.
“INTERIOR, MAMA’S KITCHEN, DAY! THE DAY WAS HOT WITH NO AIR CONDITIONING. GRANDMA (84, GREY AND LEARNÉD) LOUNGES BY THE CHILI BOILING ON THE STOVE,” shouted busker Jenna Norton, hoping one of the bypassers avoiding her eye contact would spot her budding linguistic prowess and put in a good word for her in Hollywood.
Upon her yearly visit to her grandparents’ house in Upstate New York, Shayna Dupaque learned of her grandparents’ death the tough way when she encountered their post-mortem pop up estate sale.
“I didn’t know Grammy and Pop Pop had died until I pulled up their driveway and the house was full of people paying with cash or check for our family heirlooms,” said Dupaque, dodging estate-sale goers carrying away Dupaque’s childhood stuffed animals they bought at a bargain price.
First time laborer Benjamin Galvin ‘26 reported his student job working the John Hay Library front desk has allowed him to really relate to the plight of the blue collar man. “It’s amazing how much more perspective a person can gain from working long, grueling days in these bottom of the barrel jobs,” said Galvin while writing an essay throughout the entirety of his two hour shift.
After a suspiciously detailed Ghost Tour through the Old Withers Manor, tourists were unsettled when tour guide Paxton Humphrey knew a little too much about the gruesome murder that took place in the manor to not have been there.
“This is the very spot where the sisters Margaret and Lorraine Withers clung to the bannister, begging for their lives as the killer swung his vintage, collector’s 1926 Scout Ax at their heads,” said Humphrey, reenacting the proper ax swing form like he had been the ax-wielding murderer there on the day of the crime.
After booking an On-Call Shuttle late Friday evening while drunk and stranded on Ives Street, Sheila Meyer ‘24 reported that the shuttle’s time of arrival was estimated between anon and far hence.
“Anon! Anon thy shuttle appears, but surely no past far hence,” stated the ETA to Meyer, shivering on the curbside of Captain Seaweed’s Pub.
After an alluring night of illegal inheritance fraud and passionate eye-contact, Randol McShilling reports that the evening took an unexpected turn as femme fatale Ruby Stryker reached into her garter and pulled out the teeniest tiniest gun strapped to her thigh.
On Saturday evening in Boston Logan Airport, area dad Jim Ferguson reported that he was just gonna watch the suitcases while everyone grabs food.
“Go on ahead you guys. I’ll stay here with the bags,” said Ferguson, distributing backpacks and jackets to claim all the chairs around him.
Despite the common belief of crystals being all-powerful in the improvement of daily life, a recent study found that crystals are powerless against fixing a shitty personality.
“Crystals have many legitimate powers, like healing, energy channeling, relaxation,” said crystal enthusiast Jasper Gillette, unaware that his spiritual pebbles do have their limits when faced with his terrible character.
Displaying great prophetic and extra sensory insight into the spiritual realm, local fortune teller Magdalena The Mystic predicted that her customer will be scammed in his present.
“Hmmmmm I see….hmmmm…I sEE….you, in a blue shirt,” exclaimed Magdalena the Mystic, holding the hand of the blue-shirted man and scrutinizing his divine palm lines.
On February 19, just one day before Presidents Day, it was reported that White House staff raced to buy their go-to Presidents Day gift of denture glue and Vicodin.
“Presidents Day always sneaks up on us,” said Chief of Staff Ron Klain, frantically grabbing his keys and wallet and rushing out the door.
On a rain-filled Tuesday night, heartbroken Norma Rosario was spotted sulking past her ex-boyfriend Steven’s house on Google Earth.
“I can’t just let him go. We meant so much to each other,” sniffled Rosario, tears running down her face as she dropped the little orange Street View man in front of 67 Parkview Road.
Late Wednesday night, Sabrina Huerta was completely dumbfounded when a mature deer reacted surprisingly well in headlights as she barreled around a curve.
“I was fully expecting him to freeze up, like always,” said Huerta, recalling how the deer didn’t even flinch in the oncoming headlights and trotted across the road.
During a recent seminar taking place over Zoom, students reported that Michelle Trenton ‘24 was still muted.
“You’re muted,” said a classmate, after staring at Trenton silently move her mouth for thirty seconds. “We didn’t catch any of what you said.
During Saturday’s Christian Conversion panel in Poughkeepsie, NY, missionary William O’Shaunessy assured possible converts that the beginning of the Bible starts slow, but really picks up later.
“The beginning is mostly all exposition,” urged O’Shaunessy, showing off his own mangled Bible complete with annotations and tabs.
At 8:45 PM on Monday night, as Smitties department store began to close up for the evening, store manager Martha Burgess reported that all remaining shoppers had fifteen minutes to find their children.
“Attention all shoppers: please make your final selections and locate any children that you swore were by your side just a minute ago,” Burgess announced over the loudspeaker.
Just a few weeks before Christmas, Jack Listings accidentally ruined the holiday season for his younger brother by revealing that love isn’t real.
“I really thought Timmy knew by now,” said Listings, remembering how he let it slip that the concept of love is complete fiction in an offhand joke.
According to a report by a group of semi-acquaintances and friends, their game of Cards Against Humanity won’t fucking end.
“Hey, hey guys are you listening?” pleaded current card judge Victor Trelly, pathetically trying to resuscitate the decaying three-hour game.
Reflecting on the widely-publicized fall of his bridge in 1014 CE, London Bridge Architect William Alfredshire III fears his career will forever be defined by one little mistake.
“Everybody messes up once in a while,” said Alfredshire III, wincing at the melody of a jovial nursery rhyme echoing from a youth camp in the distance.
In order to get credit for her ENGL 0101B Zoom discussion section, Elvira Dos Santos ’22 timidly stepped into the conversation with a firm understanding nod that she believed should suffice as participation.
“This should be enough of a contribution to the discussion from me today, I think," Dos Santos said, bobbing her head lightly in response to a comment from a classmate and glancing to make sure she was still muted.
Shortly after Melissa and Steven Withers welcomed their first baby into the world, a man with a scar arrived to collect the child as per the Apple privacy terms and agreements.
“The clause appears in subsection 19 on page 497 and stipulates the surrender of our first heir or heiress on the eve of its birth,” said Steven Withers, skimming through the online contract he signed four months prior.
After sophomore Lilly Botsby went a week without getting a COVID-19 test, Verily sent her an email reminder to shape the fuck up and schedule her God damn appointment.
“Our records show that, as of 8:00AM this morning, you have not completed a routine COVID-19 test in the past four days, you irresponsible shit,” read the email.
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