Dragging his feet home after a disappointing day in the woods, local eight-year-old Mario fan Kevin Jenkins was crestfallen after learning that jumping on the backs of turtles only makes crunchy noises. “I don’t get it! I thought maybe I wasn’t jumping hard enough, so I jumped extra hard, but that just made louder crunchy noises,” continued Kevin, bummed about his lack of air time from forcefully leaping onto unsuspecting turtles. “Why would they make Mario super jumpy, but when I do it I only crunch the nice turtles?" At press time, Jenkins realized that eating red, spotted mushrooms from the woods didn’t make him grow any bigger.

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