Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Maskless Man at High Risk of Being Republican

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

Strutting around dense urban centers without a protective face covering, maskless man Jackson Straw is, according to findings from the CDC, facing a severe statistical risk of being a Republican. “The trends are undeniable, but not shocking,” said Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC. “By not wearing his mask, Straw is putting himself at risk of, if not being a Republican himself, looking like one to those around him. Either way, people are bound to suffer." The CDC also released data indicating that other comorbidities like attending Trump rallies or waving a “thin blue line flag” could further risk one becoming a card-carrying GOP voter.

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