Wednesday, April 14, 2021
Partly Cloudy icon Partly Cloudy, 64°

The Brown Noser

Sam Croes


Sam's articles

Study Finds Arthropod Wikipedia Most Fascinating At 4:30 AM | Apr 09 2021

A new study published in the American Journal of Psychology has found that the Arthropod Wikipedia page is actually most fascinating at 4:30 in the morning. “As you all know, arthropods are invertebrates with an exoskeleton, a segmented body, and paired jointed appendages,” said lead investigator Dr.

Freshman From Massachusetts To Debut Saying ‘Y’all’ Tonight | Apr 09 2021

Freshman Jaden Supine, from Newton, Massachusetts, has decided he will try saying “y’all” for the first time tonight. “I’m from just outside the Boston area, so I obviously never heard ‘y’all’ growing up,” Supine said, anxiously rehearsing the word in the mirror.

Maskless Man at High Risk of Being Republican | Mar 12 2021

Strutting around dense urban centers without a protective face covering, maskless man Jackson Straw is, according to findings from the CDC, facing a severe statistical risk of being a Republican. “The trends are undeniable, but not shocking,” said Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC.

Conversation 6-Feet Apart Slowly Circling Closer Like Binary Star System | Oct 30 2020

Beginning a socially distant conversation from six feet apart, two friends reportedly began circling closer together like a binary star system. “Jen! It’s been so long, you look great,” said Patrick Haley as he and his friend Jen began orbiting counterclockwise around a common center of mass like an awe-inspiring astronomical phenomenon.

Student In Discussion Section Redirecting Conversation Topic Like They Staging Coup | Oct 30 2020

In a recent Creative Nonfiction discussion section, Sophomore Lindsay Loughlin redirected the conversation topic like she was staging a coup. “On an unrelated note,” Loughlin triumphantly declared, firing the first shot to topple the class’s power structure.

Creative Writing Student Overly Eager To Use Word ‘Teat’ | Sep 25 2020

Writing a piece for his Creative Nonfiction class, sophomore Steven Peppers was just a little too eager to use the word “teat.” “Yeah, Steven really wanted to read his piece first, and was super excited when he read this one part and used the word ‘teat,’” remarked fellow classmate Nicole Claro, adding that the prompt was to “write about the city you grew up in” so it was unclear how or why he snuck “teat” in.

Report: Not Wearing Pants To Class Increases 1500% | Apr 24 2020

Since classes first moved online early this month, University researchers have reported a dramatic 1,500% spike in the number of students not wearing pants to class. “The incidence of pantslessness during lectures has seen a stunning rise in recent weeks,” reported head researcher Michelle Cochran, noting that this trend showed no signs of slowing.