Reports from the ocean indicate that a masochistic turtle secretly hopes you don’t cut up those plastic rings.

“Hey, honestly, don’t worry about it,” the turtle said with a conspiratorial grin. “Just toss those bad boys from that six pack of beer right on into the ocean—cut out the middleman.”

“Fuck the environment—I want to get freaky,” added the turtle, who didn’t know why so many environmentalist were so vanilla. “And it’s not like there’s an abundance of BDSM equipment floating around here.”

“While you’re at it, throw a plastic straw in the ocean,” said the randy turtle. “Those liberals are too tolerant, and we’re just trying to have a little bit of fun.”

At press time, a sadistic scorpion was hiding in your shoe.

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