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In an unexpected and highly confusing coup, heavily-armed Methodists descended on every steel mill in the United States yesterday.
“Ha ha!” said Methodist Church High President Jacques LeFarge as he stood triumphantly outside the Detroit American Steel plant, flanked by Janet Smith, Methodist Vice President in Charge of Metals. “How are they going to stop the Methodist Church now?”
“Not with steel mills, that’s for sure,” said Smith.
President Obama issued a statement early last night urging calm in the face of the Methodist threat. “We will do everything in our power to bring these Methodists to justice,” said Obama, “just as soon as we figure out who exactly the Methodists are. We’re pretty sure they’re either the ones with the polygamy or the ones who hate birthdays.”
The Methodist Church, long associated with that big building where all the cars go on Sundays, has surprised analysts with its move into heavy manufacturing. “The Methodists have for some time been shrouded in mystery,” said Alicia Baines, a professor of Methodist Studies at George Washington University. “We believe the Methodist Church was founded in a century, most likely by a man named along the lines of John Smith, Thomas Smith or possibly Jebediah Aquinas-Smith. It is probably also some kind of religion.”
Across the country, Americans realized they were emotionally unprepared for such an event. “Shit!” exclaimed tax attorney Harrison Mack as he passed the mill and noticed the massive banner hanging over the roof, showing a bearded Methodist gazing enigmatically at a bar of what appeared to be steel. “Not the steel mills!”
On hearing the news, the Dow Jones Index plummeted 200 points. It then rose sharply as investors realized that there are no steel mills in the Dow Jones Index and proceeded to zigzag as investors determined that no one actually knows what the Dow Jones Index is or what it has to do with something called a NASDAQ.
In a highly anticipated press conference, President Lefarge finally spelled out the Methodists’ purposes. “For too long,” said Lefarge, “Methodists have been denied the control of the American steel industry. We have now completely solved this problem. For obvious reasons, this is a massive step forward for Methodists everywhere.”
“We will use these steel mills to further our various steel-related goals,” explained Lefarge.
