Adding another scandal to a recently tumultuous career, decorated Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has been disqualified from the 2016 contests after he was caught torrenting the Portuguese-language edition of Rosetta Stone in an illegal attempt get a leg up on his competition. “We can’t let athletes think they can get away with cutting corners when it comes to learning the language of the host country,” said International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach. “It’s this type of despicable cheating that undermines the integrity of the event as a whole. How does this look to the other athletes who are trying to learn Portuguese in a classroom or are willing to pay for the program? I feel sad for Mr. Phelps. A multiple gold medal winner should understand better than anyone the necessity of an equal playing field when it comes to ordering food or making conversation with cab drivers around the Olympic venue.” At press time, Bach was seen yelling at one of his subordinates for not demolishing a certain section of Rio slums fast enough.

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