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According to the University administration, this year’s midyear graduation ceremony will just involve the current class of midyear graduates being catapulted over the closed Van Wickle Gates.
“First, we move all their belongings to the curb on Prospect Street,” said new Dean of the College Rashid Zia, who explained that the usual commencement ceremony is too much of a hassle to put on in the middle of December. “Then, as soon as they finish their last exam or paper, I give them a little fist bump and strap them onto our big catapult in front of University Hall.”
“Opening the Van Winkle Gates is no trivial matter,” continued Zia. “We have to get the big key, and those gates are pretty heavy. So rather than going through all that fuss, we find that it’s more efficient to just launch each 0.5er over the gates.”
At press time, Christina Paxson announced plans to wait on the other side of the gates to dust off the new alumni and give them a high-five.
