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According to enthusiastic reports from friends and family members, local mischievous teenager Mark Brandenburg has really begun to mature into the dangerous man he will eventually become.
“It’s been so wonderful to watch our young son age into the threatening adult we know he’ll one day be,” said Brandenburg’s mother Tracy, who told reporters that Mark’s playful disobedience at home and in the classroom had been broadening to include actually hurtful behavior for some time now. “It seems that just yesterday Mark was letting off stink bombs at school or lightly vandalizing other people’s mailboxes. Now look at him—he’s growing up into a physically imposing and emotionally abusive adult right before our eyes.”
Sources close to the Brandenburgs expressed pride as they noted how Mark’s tendency toward goofy misconduct and harmless devilry had diminished in lieu of a more sophisticated interest in depraved and anti-social pursuits. “Mark’s aggressive adolescent energy has really evolved into something more serious and pathological as he’s gotten older,” said family friend Peter Wilkington, expressing genuine admiration for Mark’s troubling assimilation into adulthood. “We’re all so proud and excited to support him as he continues to blossom into a terrifying grown-up.”
“It’s so wonderful to see in the intensity and outright maliciousness of Mark’s behavior that nothing he does can be considered cute or excusable anymore," said Brandenburg’s cousin Parker. “I mean, one day he’s this goofy, teenage class clown, cracking off-color jokes and shooting spit-balls, and the next he’s a 6’4" strong-arm entirely lacking in restraint and self-control. He’s grown into a legitimate malefactor right before our eyes. Where does the time go?"
“I look forward to spending time with the man Mark is growing up to be,” Parker added. “And I couldn’t be prouder that that man will one day beat me up for no reason in a fit of unprompted rage.”
At press time, Brandenburg’s father was thrilled to announce that Mark just asked him for a butterfly knife for his 17th birthday.
