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Aides familiar with the internal workings of Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell have jumped to his defense after allegations of poor health, instead claiming that he is actually just pausing to fondly reminisce on The Confederacy.
“Senator McConnell is perfectly healthy and functioning as well as ever,” said top aide Tucker Sweeney, stepping up to the podium as McConnell froze at yet another press conference. “His brain is just drifting off to smell the sweet scent of the Magnolia trees, revisit a dixie sunset watched with a young lover, and fondly reminisce on the secession of Southern states in order to preserve a racist and dehumanizing system of slavery in the United States.”
McConnell’s official doctor reported the results of the brain scan included no evidence of a stroke, speech blockage, or other physical interruption. Instead, the doctor reportedly found increased activity in the hippocampus and dopamine receptors as McConnell was shown images of General Lee committing some of the most vile acts in the history of the country.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with the Senator,” continued the aide Sweeney, referring to the man who orchestrated the obstruction of the nomination of a Supreme Court justice, opposes compensation for coal miners with black lung disease, and gets a little misty in the eyes as he relives days of antebellum yore. “This is a perfectly normal part of Mr. McConnell’s functioning, and is no evidence of his fitness to continue as one of the most powerful political figures of the modern age.”
At press time, Diane Feinstein was fondly reminiscing on the time she was a voting member of the Senate.
