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"Late last night, in a press conference in his private study, the Model UN President announced that after extreme provocation, harsh sanctions would be brought against mock Iran. A ""secret nuclear testing facility,"" run by the Iranians was found in the basement of the Perkins Dormitory earlier this week.
Model Iran has been using Perkins and its unknowing residents as guinea pigs for their rapidly growing nuclear program. The initial worries related to Perkins's basement developed after many users of the basement showers complained of boiling hot water. Result developments have shown that the source of the heat was nuclear radiation emanating from the testing facility.
The ensuing investigation, called for by Model UN's Security Council, did not uncover hard evidence but found high levels of radiation and many documents signed by the Model Iranian president discussing Iran's nuclear program.
The Model UN Security Council responded swiftly to the evidence uncovered by their investigation, dealing a powerful diplomatic blow in banning Iran from attending Harvard's highly coveted National Model UN tournament next month.
Switzerland's Ambassador to the UN commented that he believed this sanction to be ""extremely fair and an exemplary move by the Model UN to show their commitment to diplomacy and not violence.""
However, all did not share this peaceful sentiment. The Model United States called for ""more drastic measures"" to be taken including a strict trade embargo into the Perkins area. Beyond this embargo, the Model US Defense Secretary said, ""We plan to strike fast and hard, where it counts. We have sent Special Ops units into the Perkins area to disable any and all elevators."" He added that ""if those Iranians don't want to talk, they are going to have to walk!""
While many members of the Security Council are livid at the US's aggressive actions, the Model United States says it was not alone in its attacks. In fact, they are claiming to have a model international alliance, including as the president of America stated confidently, ""America, Alaska, and Hawaii."""
