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With the breakdown of talks late yesterday evening, Algeria and Morocco appear to be on course for a full-scale armed conflict—if it could even be called that, given the sad, pathetic nature of the crisis.
“I have a friend in Pakistan,” said Moroccan Prime Minister Abedlilah Benkirane. “He tells me they’ve been fighting India over deep-seated existential conflicts that have been going on for centuries, and both of them have nukes. But I guess fighting over water resources is great, too.”
“Did you know we’re calling up our cavalry?” said Benkirane. “Did you know countries even still have cavalries? Is this an English boarding school? Jesus Christ.”
The two North African nations have been locked for the last month in a border dispute that has failed to garner a single resolution from the United Nations Security Council. The minor clashes on the border have so far caused zero deaths or cool explosions, although they did cause lane closures on several minor roads. The roads were far from major trade routes and were made of dirt.
Soldiers on both sides widely voiced dismay at their antiquated tanks and their tiny little girl rifles. “There’s no way we’re ever going to get a sweet name, like ‘Desert Storm’ or ‘World War One,’” said Moroccan Lieutenant Rafi Henderson. “I bet they’ll call this a ‘skirmish.’ God, I’m depressed.”
“We’ll be lucky if we get to blow up one measly schoolhouse,” said Algerian President Abdelaziz Bouteflika, as he surveyed the laughable strip of river of which both sides claim ownership. “I fought in the War of Indepenence, and we had CIA interference, mass graves, and at least three atrocities a week. Now that was a war, by God.”
As of press time, both armies were wondering how they could look themselves in the mirror after wreaking such mild havoc in the name of something so dumb.
