After over a year of investigating Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election, U.S. Special Counsel and former director of the FBI Robert Mueller announced that the real collusion was, in fact, the friends we made along the way.
“After combing through terabytes of data detailing communications between high-level members of Trump’s campaign and Russian government figures," Mueller said at a press conference Thursday, “We realized that the real newsworthy relationships were the ones between us and the friends we made during this whole ordeal.”
Mueller’s investigative team also published a report cataloguing the course of the investigation and concluded that, at the end of the day, the most important discovery they made was “everyone getting to know each other and – maybe even getting to know ourselves – just a little bit better.”
“We started this investigation expecting to discover a sinister cloak and dagger effort to undermine the American electoral process," Mueller continued, "But what we ended up discovering was much more significant: supportive, loving relationships between friends.”
Mueller’s team announced that they would publish an exhaustive review of their investigation later this week. Sources close to the Special Counsel say that the review will just be a photo album commemorating all the happy memories the team shared during their time working together.