Sunday, May 19, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Muffin Getting Fucking Everywhere

Published Friday, April 19th, 2019

Those sitting nearby sophomore Garrett Rubin on Tuesday afternoon report that his muffin was getting fucking everywhere.

“His lap was completely coated in crumbs from his triple-berry,” said junior Jennifer Álvarez, noting that muffin bits also blanketed his table and the floor around his feet. “He tried to pull off the smallest little chunks but even these would disintegrate between his fingers before they reached his mouth.”

Alvarez explained that though Rubin bowed his head down and ate the muffin an inch above its paper wrapper, he couldn’t contain the rapidly spreading catastrophe. “It was crushing to watch him keep sweeping the crumbs off his laptop keyboard, again and again, and then try to pry the stubborn ones out from the crevices.”

Sources report Rubin later felt a deep pang of guilt as he left the table topped with a mountain of muffin remains.

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