Partly Cloudy, 64°
No! No, surely…surely not. It can’t be. I’ve seen some really fucked up shit in my time. I’ve seen children made into orphans and horses ground to glue. But this? “Snap” went the camel’s back, say I, because this is beyond the pale.
My best friend? And my doctor!?
Unbelievable!!
Let me just make sure I understand the situation. In one corner, we have Hector Dunlop. Oberlin grad, aspiring cinematographer, my best friend. In the other, Dr. Sharon Menendez, M.D., Ph.D., ENT, AMA, in every respect a competent and respected member of the medical community and, more to point, my primary care physician. And am I to believe that these two people, proud owners of the CVs I have just now outlined, that these two are having…
Relations??
Have you two no sense of decorum? Did Mark Antony pal around with Caesar’s court physician? Was Ophelia’s unseen confidant present at her consult? Did Han Solo, bless his name, shoot the shit with Luke’s medical droid!? They did not.
Hector, you’re my best friend. We went to high school together. We hang out regularly and enjoy each other’s company. Dr. Sharon Menendez, you treated my emphysema and prescribed 40 mg Lipitor tablets taken twice daily for my cholesterol—nothing too serious, just a simple piece of preventative medicine for which I praised you. At length.
And you’re saying you’re together now!?
We had a system and it was in place and everything was working just fine for everyone involved, and you’ve thrown it to the metaphorical wolves that are your own libidos. I would have thought this of a stranger or someone without an advanced degree, but never of my best friend and never, ever of my doctor.
What is to become of us? At my birthday party, will I be poked and prodded by stethoscopes and streptococcal pharyngitis tests? Should I be prepared to gossip about professional sports teams and neighborhood trollops at my yearly physical? Does Dr. Menendez believe she now has a transitive claim to my friendship? Will Hector recommend I cut down on red meat and basic carbohydrates and frown on my sedentary lifestyle?
Madness! This is madness, madness, madness and furthermore very complicated!! What horrors await us now that the comfortable order of my web of relationships has been thrown to the stormy seas of that flighty, sea-owning mistress, change?!?? Aiieeurgh.
How love’s spider spins his webs. Perhaps my landlord should hook up with my third cousin! Would that please you, Hector? Maybe my elderly butcher should dip his wick in my state representative! Would that tickle your fancy, Dr. Menendez? Hmm? And my barber will fuck the tailor, and my ex-wife will fuck the superintendent, and I will be left standing alone at the center, shielding my eyes from this tornado kicking up the dust that represents the essence of needless interconnectivity.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to tell off my mailman and my intern for touching each other’s butts. In the meantime, please don’t have sex with each other because I don’t think I could handle it. Thank you.
