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The Brown Noser

NIH Grants Scientist $13 Million To Pursue Something Called "Murder Machine"

Published Friday, April 29th, 2016

Lead officials at the National Institutes of Health announced Monday that they had granted a group of scientists $13 million to pursue something called a “Murder Machine.”

“We are excited to fund ‘Murder Machine’ in this upcoming fiscal quarter,” said NIH Director Dr. Francis Collins, M.D., Ph.D. in a press conference at the Institute. He explained that the project, formerly named “High-Efficiency People Killer,” will be funded alongside a drug that will help combat migraines and physical therapy techniques to improve scoliosis treatments. “We find the scientists pursuing the project to be highly reputable; they have already had success with ‘Leg Bleeder’ in 2012.”

“Yes, yes, it will yield developments indeed,” said Dr. Victor Crine, lead engineer of “Murder Machine,” via Skype interview from the Crime Research Center in an unidentified Louisiana swamp. “The $13 million will cover the ray tubes, pincers, and blood ‘Murder Machine’ needs to function at full capacity.”

In his allocation announcement, Dr. Collins reaffirmed the importance of providing funding to projects like “Murder Machine” and the migraine medication. “Grant funding allows scientists to fully pursue the research that leads to development in the modern world. We believe ‘Murder Machine’ may revolutionize the way we as a nation are able to murder people.”

Critics expressed concerns that Murder Machine could be detrimental to public health considering its proposed purpose is the murder of human beings. NIH officials waved away such concerns, saying that it would be unscientific to judge the project’s effectiveness before any findings were released.

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