Sunday, December 17, 2017
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The Brown Noser

NRA Concludes that Endangered Rhinos Would Fare Better Against Poachers if Armed With Assault Rifles

Published Friday, December 1st, 2017

A new study released this week by the National Rifle Association (NRA) concluded that endangered rhinos would fare better against poachers if they were armed with assault weapons. The organization recommends arming the critically endangered African black rhinos, which have been hunted for their valuable ivory, with semi-automatic AR-15 assault rifles.

“We found that if a rhino is trained to use a tactical assault rifle, they would have have a better chance of shooting a poacher than if they didn’t have a gun," explained NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre. “We strongly recommend that Rhinos look into the lightweight and accurate Colt AR-15 model.”

According to the report, most professional poachers use a combination of tranquilizer guns to sedate the animal and chainsaws to remove the horn, and would be “heavily out-gunned” by rhinos armed with weapons designed for intense military combat. The NRA also found that when thirty rhinos were given loaded weapons with high capacity magazines, none of them shot each other.

“The real problem with poaching is that rhinos don’t have a means of protecting themselves,” asserted NRA spokeswoman Dana Loesch. “We don’t need less weapons in the safari, we need more good rhinos with guns.”

At press time, LaPierre was wearing a t-shirt with the text “Guns Don’t Kill Rhinos, Rhinos with Guns Kill Poachers”.

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