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Taking a deep breath and pushing through paralyzing fear, Chris Kobbly ’16 expressed his absolute conviction that he was not actually naked in lecture and this was all just a bad dream.
“I won’t be tricked into believing this is happening,” Kobbly said in response to classmates pointing and giggling uncomfortably at him. “Yeah, of course Monica is sitting right in front of me. I’ve been in love with her for a year and standing naked in front of her and everyone is one of the most embarrassing things I can think of. Perfect nightmare situation. Oh, and you all have bluebooks on your desks for a test I forgot we were taking today? You’re right, that’s exactly what would freak me out. More proof that this is just a dream.”
“Wake up. Wake up. Wake up,” he said as he slapped himself in the face repeatedly and ran to the lecture stage. “If this was real and I was actually naked I definitely would not be running around and hitting myself in the face. I’d be hiding or trying to find clothes.”
“Okay, this must just be a shockingly vivid dream—Mike Stratford is here and I know he’s studying abroad this semester in Beijing,” Kobbly said smugly, upon which Stratford clarified that he’s actually studying abroad next semester. “Good effort, Mike, but no! You’re just a random person from my life that my dream brain pulled out to convince me that this is really happening. Now I’m going to pee in your lap because in dreams you have endless amounts of urine and it’s fun to pee on people! Look at how much I just peed on you! If this was actually happening I’d be too scared to pee a drop.”
“Cambala kooba akiba, vashtanka kakakin fashtaki!” he said as his horrified professor walking into the room. “Ha! Would I have just said all those nonsense words in real life?”
At press time, sources report that the naked Kobbly was on one knee and proposing to his professor to prove to the class that this was all just a nightmare and would be over soon if everyone just calmed down.
