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The Brown Noser

Nation Demands Some Sort of Gaseous Cheese Product

Published Friday, November 4th, 2016

Issuing an urgent appeal to the Department of Agriculture, Food and Drug Administration and Dairy Farmers of America, the American populace voiced the need for some sort of gaseous cheese product “immediately,” sources reported Monday.

Consumers across the nation insisted that while it was not particularly important what type of cheese the product be derived from, how much it cost, or how it would be packaged and delivered, such a product is long overdue and well within the US’s technological reach.

“Over the last several decades, Americans have made great advances in our ability to produce solid cheese, liquid cheese, and viscous slow-flowing cheese.” said Alana Feldman of Taos, NM, speaking on behalf of several hundred million Americans. “Creating cheese in a third state of matter is, as far as we’re concerned, a simple question of advancement."

“It’s just keeping up with the times,” she finished.

Feldman added that it was of little importance whether the cheese product came in an aerosol can as a vapor, or maybe as some type of volatile liquid that the user could huff. More important, she said, is the necessity that development of the product begin as soon as possible.

Millions of Americans cited the ability to inhale the product rapidly in one deep breath as an essential feature, adding that this would enable consumption of the synthetic cheese at rates that were previously unimaginable.

FDA Commissioner Robert Califf reminded the public that any cheese gas would be subject to rigorous testing by the Administration before its release to the public, but that consumers can remain optimistic.

“Basically, we want to ensure that any directly-inhalable form of cheese be held to the same health standards as Cheez Whiz, Velveeta and those tubs of soft cheese with cured meat in them that require no refrigeration,” he said, adding that he was “confident” American producers could uphold these standards.

At press time, Cracker Barrel had announced the release of its extra sharp white cheddar vape juice.

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