Partly Cloudy, 64°
The United States announced out loud to itself this Thursday that it knows it left its troops around here someplace. This marks the third time in a week that the nation has casually forgotten just where it put its soldiers. It could have sworn that it set them down somewhere near the Red Sea—although come to think of it, it could have been the Black Sea. There was a really helpful pneumonic device that the country is currently too frustrated to remember. Colors figured very prominently.
The country already knows full well that a lost item is often in the last place you would think to look. It already checked Western Europe, thanks. Also passive-aggressive asides about how this would not have happened if the nation did not try to mix a crumbling infrastructure with an exorbitant discretionary defense budget, are not helping right now. America is looking for its troops, not a lecture.
The country has tried retracing its steps, checking its immediate surroundings, thinking back to the last time it used its troops, systematically searching high and low for its troops, considering the possibility that its troops have been stolen, replacing its troops, picking one location where it knows it can always find its troops and keeping an extra set of troops around. All to no avail. So if you could keep an eye out, that would be great.
