The National Geographic Magazine, famous for their environmental and geographical photography, is proud to announce their newest conservation initiative: saving only the most photogenic wildlife from extinction.
“Let’s be honest. People don’t want to see those weird little shits. They want majestic, good looking animals,” stated National Geographic Editor in Chief, Nathan Lump, from a huge leather chair behind his mahogany desk in the Nat Geo headquarters. “The people want leaping gazelles, lions tearing up a zebra, elephants looking wise and contemplative. The public could not give less of a crap about some stinking river terrapin. I don’t even know what the fuck that thing is.”
“The world is a tough place, and some of these ugly animals just can’t cut it,” stated Lump, as he selected a photograph of a great white shark leaping out of the ocean with a seal in its mouth for the front cover. “But beautiful, photo-ready animals? Humanity needs to save those guys. Climate change and human intervention is a huge threat to animals that we like to look at. So, I’m all for cleaning up the cute ducks after oil spills, but maybe we can just leave some of the more camera-shy ones oily. And how bad is it if we poach an animal and it looks better as a purse than it did when it was alive?”
At press time, Lump would consider publishing an article about proboscis monkeys if they got nose jobs.