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The Colonels of the United States Joint Armed Forces announced plans on Friday to change the term for their position to something that was not only more ridiculous but harder to spell.
“Our intention is to solve the single most pressing issue with the military today—it’s too easy to spell and pronounce ‘colonel,’” reads the introduction to the report, which ran several hundred pages and cost roughly $750 million to produce. The specifics of the plan were complex and numerous, although some potential changes included: adding another few more “olo’s,” adding a hidden “g” sound (but not specifically stating whether it’s a soft g or hard g), and changing the etymology to falsely claim the root was from an even more ridiculous language than French, like Elvish or Dothraki. “Through strong spending and years of work, we can begin to rehabilitate the military’s image.”
“Noting serious public outcry related to military issues in the last few months, we have decided that the main problem the American people have with the US Army was how silly we spell our titles.” Multiple chapters of the report are dedicated to the potential of scrapping the name altogether or having it change every time it’s spoken—the speaker would simply have to “know in their heart how to say it.”
At press time, the Lieutenants of the United States had announced plans for “a complete stupidification” but said those plans would likely be shelved “until 2045 or so.”
