Partly Cloudy, 64°
According to a study released last Thursday, America’s parents, grandparents, and teachers know next to nothing about what it means to enjoy a bowl of brightly colored breakfast cereal while riding a skateboard. Researchers cited a lack of casual cool in observed subjects over the age of 30, resulting in a marked increase in concern for the rules, general crabbiness and near-to-complete disinterest in boxed prizes. It would seem that the trend is growing as well, data pointing to the possibility of the nation’s police officers, hall monitors, lunch ladies and cranky neighbors being similarly affected.
“It would appear that most authority figures’ ignorance as to what it means to be a kid and do kid things is near total,” said head researcher Kurt O’Neil.
Research conducted demonstrates the average adult’s complete aversion to all things colorful, loud, sugary and awesome. Parents and teachers would almost always rather talk about boring things like newspapers and coffee. Indicative from O’Neil’s report, it is doubtful whether most mothers and fathers have ever been kids—and even if they have, they have long forgotten what it means to feel the distinct Saturday morning thrill of slapping on a helmet and kneepads, pouring yourself one very particular part of a complete balanced breakfast, and boarding down the sidewalk to a pop-punk soundtrack.
“On being shown several pictures of anthropomorphic cartoon animals doing extreme sports while eating cereal, all of our test subjects adamantly maintained that fun and breakfast have nothing to do with one another,” O’Neil reported. “Particularly the parents and the teachers.”
Just before press time, O’Neil and his team had confirmed that America’s teachers and parents also have zero knowledge of rollerblades, and even less of bubblegum.
