At a press conference on Wednesday, the nation’s security guards announced plans to turn their backs just as thieves dart across their video monitors. “We want to assure the public that when masked intruders enter the buildings we guard, we’ll make sure to be coincidentally distracted at the exact moment that our cameras catch the offenders breaking in,” said security guard Eric Plankson, who does the night shift at the biggest bank in the city. “Whether we avert our eyes because of a coffee spill, a radio on the fritz, or a buddy walking in with a box of donuts, we’re committed to taking a break from work whenever doing so facilitates the success of a major heist.” Plankson concluded his remarks by avowing to doze off in his chair right as perpetrators get real close to the cameras and smash the lenses.

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