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Yet another groundbreaking neuroscience study revealed yesterday that political views can be directly predicted by genetics and it’s all just a big joke and neuroscience is the only thing that matters, at the end of the day.
“Liberal, conservative, Democrat, Republican: with neuroscience, we can show that this is all just determined by your brain, or ‘grey matter,’ so to speak,” said Professor of Neuroscience Lauren Duplass. “You might think that politics is a human creation and that society can be changed, but you’re wrong. We proved it in this study.”
“We are all puppets,” added Duplass. “And only neuroscientists can see the strings.”
Using randomized samples and a neuroimaging machine, Duplass and her team asked participants a series of questions about political topics, like voter ID and the budget deficit. They then correlated the answers to brain scan images, thus proving that anyone who spends their time trying to make positive social change is either a simpleton or a fool, and honestly they should just let neuroscientists worry about the important stuff.
“Used to think that what I did day-to-day mattered,” said labor organizer Howard Speed upon hearing the study. “Guess I was wrong. I’d better brush up on my neuroscience if I want to understand people.”
Neuroscientists across the country expressed excitement over the discovery. “With our new brain imaging technology, maybe we can finally convince people that everything they care about is dumb,” said Stanford University neuroscientist Randall Devers. “At this rate, in 20 years we’ll have conclusively shown that we are simple automatons, governed not by reason or passion, but by axons and dendrites, except for neuroscientists. Listen to us. We’re really smart.”
Devers then proceeded to explain at length how party affiliation could be predicted from infancy, given enough neurological data, effectively eliminating the need for an and all journalism, activism, and civic participation around the world, and paving the way for a class of benevolent neuro-kings.
“The other day, I saw a canvasser going door-to-door talking about the environment,” said Devers. “I’m like, ‘have you ever even read a neuroscience textbook?’”
Duplass confirmed she will continue her research on the human brain, investigating how neuroscience can predict personality, career success, and a person’s inherent ‘goodness.’ With the right equipment, said Duplass, she hopes to eventually prove that so-called “living” is futile and that frankly all non-neuroscientists could just go die and it wouldn’t matter.
“Sadly, the National Science Foundation has stopped funding my research,” said Duplass. “But I’ll have the last laugh. I know their entire lives are pointless.”
