Wednesday, July 17, 2019
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The Brown Noser

New Amazon Prime Service Sends Coffin To Your Doorstep On Day You Will Die

Published Friday, March 8th, 2019

At a press conference last Tuesday, Amazon announced that Amazon Prime subscribers will now have a coffin delivered to their doorstep on the morning they will die. The service will be included in the flat rate for a monthly subscription fee.

“We want to be your go-to, one-stop shop for everything,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, “Coffins included. And we want to take away all the stress and logistical confusion that comes with buying one, so we’ll just send it to you on the morning of the day you die.”

“You don’t have to fill out any additional shipping or billing information,” continued Bezos. “You don’t have to click a single button. We just know when it’ll happen and we’ll send you your coffin that very morning.”

“And the coffin’s design will be chosen based off of your previous Amazon purchases.”

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