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The Brown Noser

New Breakthrough Artificial Meat Tastes, Feels, Suffers Like Real Animal

Published Friday, September 14th, 2018

This week, researchers at the startup SuperMeat unveiled a revolutionary artificial meat that tastes, feels, and suffers just like a real flesh-and-blood animal.

“This breakthrough is a critical milestone,” reported Dr. Moratta, a lead chemist on the team. “During its synthesis in our lab, the artificial meat first experiences the artificial anguish of being abruptly separated from its mother. It then spends its entire life being confined in artificial inhospitable conditions and force-fed artificial antibiotics—all while standing in its own artificial fecal matter.”

Members of a pilot study expressed their overwhelming satisfaction. “The sample I tried looked and tasted exactly like a mouth-watering filet mignon," reported one participant. "On top of that, as I cut into the meat, I could totally tell it endured as much discomfort as a real slaughtered animal. I even got that same guilty aftertaste I get when I consume something I know used to live and breath. These scientists have really taken this to the next level.”

Currently, engineers at SuperMeat are still refining their invention. Final tweaks include minor adjustments to the meat’s texture, upping their carbon footprint to better simulate actual production, and adding just the slightest risk of e-coli.

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