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"New York, NY - The FDA approved the new drug, dubbed Fellitrac, after only 12 days of hard testing-the fastest it has ever completed testing for any drug.
In a statement released early Thursday, the FDA said that while testing for Fellitra was completed ""much sooner than expected,"" all side effects had been thoroughly considered. Some of these side effects include ""nausea, increased heartbeat, sweaty palms, pleas for 'more,' and jealous homies,"" according to the statement.
Stock market analyst Steven Harper, of Charles Schwab, says that while the release of Fellitra seems to have spurred on stock prices, ""other factors probably played a role in exciting those sleep-and-women-deprived men on the stock floor."" Among factors he cited were ""the release of a new Girls Gone Wild: Ivy League video, the introduction of a new chocolate-based lubricant by Johnson & Johnson, and Kevin Federline's threat to sell a four-hour sex video he allegedly recorded with estranged wife Britney Spears in 2004.""
Brown economics professor Alex Spellman agrees. ""No one drug could possibly cause such a price jump. It's unheard of,"" he said. ""Moreover, even if Fellitra did contribute to this economic absurdity, the prices cannot remain at this level for much longer. Artificial stock stimulation is rarely permanent or repeatable.""
Serious allegations have been made about Fellitra's legitimacy in the pharmaceutical world. While the FDA has given the green light for Fellitra's distribution, an outside team of doctors and chemists from Brown, Princeton, and the University of the Pacific claim to have found traces of ""MDMA, THC, and SPG"" in a random sample of pills.
""It is not kosher to use illegal drugs and immoral dance party extracts in pills for people with legitimate medical conditions,"" complained Princeton chemistry professor Martin Gibbens. ""Something is seriously wrong with how drugs are so easily approved these days.""
Because of the problems with the drug, analysts believe that the market will lose its strength after the excitement around the drug wears off."
