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The Brown Noser

New Experimental Performing Arts Space Just Huge Pit With Massive Crane

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

After six months of demolition and one month of construction, the University has officially opened the new experimental performing arts space, consisting of a huge pit filled with scrap metal and a massive crane.

“As a director, the new performing arts center is a gift. It has the best lighting equipment I’ve ever encountered,” noted TAPS concentrator Billie Flynn, referring to the strings of lights attached to the crane. “The audience can be transported anywhere from a construction site with a blue crane, to a desolate chasm with a green crane!”

The theater cost $110 million to build, and it is distinguished by its concrete barrier/chain-link fence exterior. The space’s interior is a more traditional theater: it is a massive crater strewn with discarded construction equipment and a few men wandering around in hard hats. The building is meant to represent the constant incompleteness of a piece of theater.

“I can’t wait to finally perform Mamma Mia the way it was meant to be performed,” continued Flynn as she flipped through designs for flowing, white, Grecian dresses paired with neon construction vests. “Our audience can enjoy the show through the four windows that we cut in the side of the fence.”

At press time, a worker with a jackhammer accidentally performed the entire first act of “Stomp.”

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