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Calling it a revelation in mapping technology, Google CEO Eric Schmidt unveiled a new plug-in for Google Maps that displays all the potential locations of McDonald’s restaurants that would exist if we lived in a utopia governed by unfettered free-market capitalism.
The plug-in, called Google Imagine, has special icons for “potential McDonald’s,” plots of land that would become franchises of the popular fast-food restaurant if the U.S. government adopted a policy of free exchange and abolished taxes and welfare programs, leading to a more prosperous economy, a higher standard of life, and greater access to low-price, high-quality hamburgers.
“Google Imagine shows you all the new places where you could grab a burger and a McFlurry if business wasn’t stifled by regulation and unfair taxes," said Schmidt, speaking to a room full of rich people.
“People are never going to work for a living if they’re given money just to sit around,” reads the company’s press release. “And they’re never going to have as great an opportunity to sit around eating good food on the cheap unless the government stops rewarding laziness and punishing success.”
Google Imagine bases its projections on an advanced algorithm, imagining an America that learned the right lesson from the Great Depression and disavowed any sort of mandated charity, opting instead to discard any sort of social safety net and let the invisible hand of the marketplace determine what was best for society’s least fortunate.
Google Imagine also features a zoom out feature, showing users which countries would grow, shrink, or be renamed after branding deals with mega-corporations if their governments allowed the market to make everyone’s lives better.
Plans are already in motion to expand the feature, with additional plug-ins that will show prices at gas stations along the user’s route as well as what gas would cost if we weren’t so afraid to tap the resources under our very feet. Additionally, a new edition of street view will display all the amazing warehouses and server farms that could be built in the nation’s national parks if the Department of the Interior would just relax.
Schmidt said he is especially excited about the world-changing possibility of a Google Lender, a feature that would direct users to buildings that would become organ banks, businesses that would allow patients to buy organs from those who need the money and have some to spare, when that rightfully became legal.
Said Schmidt, “All you need to do is Imagine.”
Google Imagine will be available for beta testing by the end of September, after which it will be forced upon users who will just have to deal with it.
