Partly Cloudy, 64°
As part of an increased effort to get U.S. citizens to vote against their own interests, the Republican Party has put out a new TV spot encouraging young people across the country to vote ironically. Facing troubling polling numbers in the 18-29 demographic, the RNC has reportedly given up trying to win over young people and instead is trying to convince them that conservative candidates are despicable enough to deserve their ironic support.
“Ted Cruz has bad policies, and everybody hates him, and his face looks like someone took a damn blowtorch to a wax Ronald Reagan,” says the ad’s narrator as unflattering photoshops of the GOP candidate spin around the screen. “Wouldn’t it be fucking funny as hell if this melting-faced, reptilian-ass looking tryhard got to be president?”
The narrator adds, “President? I mean, Jesus Christ. That would just—Oh man. Vote for Ted Cruz. What an ugly piece of shit,” before the advertisement closes with the customary, “I’m Ted Cruz and I approve this message.”
The Republicans have released similar advertisements for each of the remaining primary candidates, including “Trump Is Actually Good,” “Kasich Reminds Me Of My Dead, Racist Grandpa,” and “Ben Carson Falling Asleep During His Inaugural Address Would Be Fucking Perfect.” The Republican Congressional Campaign Committee is already running an ad in all 50 states with the simple slogan, “Who Gives A Shit?”
“We think voting is fun and cool and meaningful,” said RNC Chairman Reince Priebus, wearing shutter-shades and a scoop-neck T-shirt featuring the GOP candidates’ faces badly photoshopped into “The Crossing Of The Delaware” and loud “Impact" font reading “LET’S TRY TO RUN INTO THAT ICEBERG” in all caps. “We want everybody to vote GOP this November because that’d just be wild. That’d just be out of this world. They’re all so god-damned stupid.”
The slogan for the promotional effort, “Vote for Republicans, lol,” has resonated with online communities in particular as the Republican Party, with its openly backwards stances and resistance to change, has presented itself as an outstanding option for bored, unhappy young people to pretend they like.
“Trump is racist, fascist, and has no political experience,” said 22-year old Braeden Starr, who has spent weekends canvassing for the business magnate in his home state of Florida. “That’s hilarious to me. He’s like this loud, shouty guy from TV, and he’s going to be president. I think that’s so funny. I would love to see that happen. I mean, who cares anyway?"
“I’m voting for Kasich because I don’t think he’ll win,” reported college student Ashleigh Dunlap, sitting outside a public library and clearly taking no pleasure in her constant vaping. “Although I was sad to see Jeb Bush drop out because he’s exactly the kind of sad little manlet I’d laugh my ass off watching apologize when he inevitably fucked up some third-world country."
In response, the Democratic Party announced plans to just continue to pretend that they weren’t as corrupt and self-serving as the Republicans, because why fix what isn’t broken.
