As part of a new healthy food initiative, the Sharpe Refectory has created an absolutely disgusting section titled “Fresh Catch of the Day.” According to cafeteria manager Jonathan Simone, the new section will feature industrial metal trays filled with square-shaped servings of fresh, unnamed white fish.

“You’ll be seeing all that indistinguishable cod or tilapia twice a day, seven days a week,” said Simone in the initial announcement. “And it’s going to be fresh as fresh can be. The freshest fish you’ll ever taste in your life served to you right here on campus.”

“I used to love coming to the Ratty everyday just to get my fix of bland, greasy beef patties," said junior Ivan Andropov, “But now I can’t go near the grill section without seeing a sad graveyard of unidentifiable fish. Sometimes the fish is just drowning in a sea of marinara sauce but you can still see that it looks rubbery. I don’t trust it.”

At press time, all the fish on the table had begun to jiggle uncontrollably.

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