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After many years of failed attempts, a team of scientists at Aker Observatory in Safford, Arizona has finally designed a new telescope that allows them to see parties up close. Until this point, scientists have only been able to make theoretical predictions about the nature of parties.
“Previously, all scientific studies on parties have been conjectural,” said scientist Hector Hirschberg of the Aker team. “Parties were one of the most frustrating things to study, because we strongly suspected that they were going on around us all the time, but it was incredibly difficult to actually prove it. Now for the first time, this telescope lets us see right into parties as they’re happening.”
From the high-resolution telescopic images, the team of scientists has been able to chart the most common colors and fabrics of partygoer outfits as well as the precise ratio of decorations to wall space. They have written detailed reports of how food and drink consumption rise and fall at each hour of the party. The team is still working on calculating the aerodynamics of specific dance moves. Scientists are hopeful that this information will eventually allow them to create much smaller versions of parties in the laboratory within the next few years.
Despite their progress, however, scientists are still grappling to make sense of all of their results. “We have lots of clear images of two partygoers approaching each other, smiling, maybe touching a little, and then traveling outside of the window view,” explained Hirschberg, pushing his glasses back up his nose. “But we don’t have the data to contextualize this kind of thing.”
The Aker team noted that their findings could be useful across many disciplines. “We predict that these images will be of interest to the scientific community at large, as well as software engineers, programmers, and mathematicians,” said Hirschberg, hoisting up his pants.
“There’s still a lot to learn,” Hirschberg added. “But even this early on in our research we can tell that parties are actually much, much more fun than we previously thought.”
