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The Brown Noser

New Zoom For Business Service Automatically Mutes Female Participants

Published Friday, March 12th, 2021

At a recent tech conference, Zoom CEO Luke McDonough announced a new “Zoom For Business” service that would automatically mute the microphones of all female participants.

“With the post-COVID shift of business meetings to online platforms, we noticed frustration among businesses that our platform gave equal volume to female meeting participants,” said McDonough, outlining how every single female participant’s voice will now be pre-muted. “This is truly a service crafted for the business world.”

“The creation of a space where men in business can finally have their voices heard, unimpeded, is a landmark step for increasing the efficiency of high level business discussions,” McDonough continued, adding that the new feature would automatically change female employees’ zoom names to Sweetheart or Darling. “With the time saved from not having to talk over undesired voices, or painstakingly explain every detail to female colleagues, we predict our users will be able to increase their quarterly returns 25%.”

McDonough also announced the exciting addition of a ‘cat call’ button that can play a whistle noise on female employees’ computers.

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