Partly Cloudy, 64°
Reporter Pu-dagan Abiyamuta has issued a grim editorial in yesterday’s Cow, proclaiming the “death of words-branded-into-side-of-cow media.” His sentiments were echoed by most of the proto-Hellene news community, who claim that bovine mutilation has been replaced by more modern types of media, such as smearing animal blood on a rock and rubbing burnt sticks against tree pulp amalgamates.
“It’s pretty sad to see it go,” Abiyamuta wrote, painstakingly branding his words into the side of a young Damascus calf. “Especially for an old-timer like me. There’s a certain sensory experience that comes with reading words branded into the side of a cow. And you don’t get it with other forms of media—smelling a combination of singed cattle hair and flesh, reading a cow all the way to its tail and getting blood from the branding on your fingers.”
“It’s a damn shame is what it is,” commented veteran journalist Akhenaten Shenouda. “I remember when you walked out of your stone dwelling and yesterday’s happenings were right there on the side of a heifer for you to read on your way to work. And when you were done you could slaughter it, either as sacrifice to the Gods or in preparation for your next four meals.”
“Now most people seem to just want any old tribal elder to fill them in on the latest oral traditions,” lamented Shenouda. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’ll always trust hieroglyphics burnt into the sides of cows more than some pseudo-journalist’s oral traditions.”
Though many are mourning the loss of words-branded-into-side-of-cow media, Iron Age society is welcoming the change to new forms of media. “It’s so much more convenient where I live to get the news through smoke signals,” reported local loincloth designer Ashurnasenpal II. “Cows just aren’t accessible to everyone. But smoke can go anywhere. I think this is a step in the right direction for making information readily available to the public.”
“I’m a bit saddened,” said nomadic herdsman and cow supplier Khammo Awiya. “But we kind of saw this coming. Technology has advanced past the point that we have to rely on pressing scalding-hot iron tips into the skin of living animals to disseminate information amongst ourselves.”
“It is what it is,” shrugged longtime cradle of civilization resident Steve Jones. “I get the news either way.”
