Monday, March 1, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Nice Man Taking Temperatures At OMAC Unaware That He Proxy Mother Figure For Hundreds Of Freshmen

Published Friday, February 5th, 2021

Cheerfully greeting those waiting in line at the OMAC, the nice man administering temperature checks for COVID testing was completely unaware that he is a proxy mother figure for hundreds of homesick freshmen.

“Good morning! How are you doing today?” the kind man asked one freshman, with no way of knowing that he consistently provides the emotional equivalent of a warm hug to a vast number of 18-year-olds who are completely detached from home for the first time in their lives. “It’s a cold one out there!”

“How are classes going?” he said to another student while fulfilling emotional needs previously only met by doting mothers, a presence that is universally welcomed by the young, lonely students whose foreheads he zaps with his thermometer every day. “Not great? Yeah, I’ve heard that from a lot of kids.”

“Head on over to Table 3,” he told another freshman as they looked at him much like they looked at their own mother in their younger years, searching for any shred of maternal love they could find in the cold, unwelcoming throes of college life. “Have a nice day!”

At press time, the nice man debuted a new sweater that reminded many freshmen of their grandmas.

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