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Friends and acquaintances of Jeffrey “Hunky Jeff” Fitzsimmons ‘16 admitted yesterday that they had no idea how he ended up with that nickname.
“He’s not ugly,” said Ramon Stevens ‘16, Hunky Jeff’s roommate. “Like, it would be weird to call him Ugly Jeff, too. But hunky? Not really a word that leaps to mind.”
“If he were a little uglier, it could maybe be a sarcastic thing, I guess,” Stevens continued, “but he’s really just pretty normal looking.”
Hunky Jeff, who is of average height and weight, has gone by the moniker for as long as anyone in his social circle can remember. “Maybe he used to be really hot, and the name just stuck?” wondered Casey Clements ’17. “No. That can’t be right.”
Despite the long history of the nickname, Hunky Jeff’s friends are only just now beginning to question it. “I was telling a friend about this funny story H.J. told me,” said Peter Romanov ’15. “H.J. is what we call Hunky Jeff for short. But then I was like, ‘Wait, is this H even deserved? He’s like a 6.5 at best.’”
“I’m just spitballing, but maybe it’s a bastardization of Hungry Jeff?” speculated Kevin O’Malley ’16. “He does eat food pretty often.”
“I’d always assumed it was because a hunk was his favorite quantity of thing,” said Carol Lenhardt ’17, who is known by the name Handful Carol. “Pretty sure that’s it.”
When reached for a comment, Hunky Jeff confessed that the nickname is part of an ongoing research project he is performing about mob psychology.
