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Visitors to Six Flags Magic Mountain were disappointed this week when they were told that no human on earth is tall enough to ride the park’s newest roller coaster, the Cosmic Cyclone.
“With most rides, you have to be at least 48 inches in order to ride, while the slightly more intense coasters might require a height of 54 inches,” explained ride attendant, Clark Olmer, standing next to a sign stretching 20 feet into the air with the words “Must Be At Least This Tall To Ride” printed above a barely visible red line at the top. “For Cyclone? Let’s just say there are Redwoods that wouldn’t be tall enough to ride this baby. It’s pretty extreme.”
According to the park’s website, the multibillion-dollar Cosmic Cyclone boasts 12 consecutive loops, 15 corkscrews, a five-minute stretch of completely upside-down ride time, speeds up to 500 miles per hour, a mile of track that is engulfed in flames, and a moment where the rails just disappear and the car plunges into a crevasse whose depth has yet to be determined by geologists employing state-of-the-art sonar mapping technology.
When asked about the ride’s many life-threatening features, Olmer asserted the Cosmic Cyclone’s safety. “The Cyclone meets all of the standard safety regulations mandated by the State of California. Trust me, it’s even safer than driving on the freeway,” Olmer said. “Provided that you are a 20-foot-tall human being.”
At press time, Six Flags had just announced plans to unveil a new ride this fall for the park’s younger guests. “The Bubble Submarine will take riders on a low-impact and family-friendly journey into the world of bubbles,” read a post on the park’s website. “Guests may not be taller than 1.7 inches to ride.”
