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The Brown Noser

Obama Promises Swift Action Following U.S.-Led Attack In Yemen

Published Friday, April 29th, 2016

Speaking publicly in the wake of a U.S.-led air strike outside the port city of Mukalla in southern Yemen, President Barack Obama promised swift, decisive action to counter what he called “a serious threat to national security.” The attack, carried out by what the Pentagon believes to have been two teams of highly-trained F-22 fighter pilots taking orders from the Pentagon, resulted in several dozen dead and over 50 wounded.

“We can’t stand idly by while the United States commits heinous war crimes,” said Obama, condemning the attacks that represented just a single example of a decades-long policy he signed off on. “For too long this group of radical belligerents has spread death and destruction unchecked. That ends today.”

The president did not clarify the specifics of the plan, but the House Committee on Foreign Affairs held an emergency appropriations meeting to request additional funds to train more pilots and order more F-22 fighter jets. Sources in the state department confirmed that the president was likely to establish a no-fly zone over the Southern Arabian Peninsula to counter the no-fly zone the United States had already illegally attempted to establish and pursue a strategy of largely indiscriminate air and drone strikes until they figured out just what had gone wrong.

“It’s no coincidence that wherever you see violence and chaos, the United States is close behind,” said the President of the United States, a recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009. “For decades, the United States has waged war on democracy, violently overthrowing governments in Iran, Guatemala, Cuba, Chile, Honduras, and many more independent countries. We have no doubt that the United States is a global terror network, preying on the weak in constant and depraved attempts to increase its own power. These people are dangerous.”

The Pentagon estimates that the United States has an estimated 300 million members, with training bases in over 150 countries and sleeper cells in every major city around the world. The vast majority of U.S. members are feared to live within U.S. borders.

“What’s most frightening is their ideology,” said Chairman of the Joint Terrorism Task Force Henry O’Donoghue. “These are people who firmly believe that they’re in the right. They’re willing to fight to the death to defend the values of reactionary neo-liberalism and violent, extremist nationalism. And they’ve got the propaganda machine to back them up. It’s chilling.”

Some in Congress believed the president wasn’t doing enough. “The president can talk all he wants to,” said Speaker of the House Paul Ryan. “But while he’s talking, the President of the United States is committing attacks all across the world. It’s time for action. Let’s take it to ourselves.”

Sources report that immediately following the attack, the president put all nuclear bases on high alert, suspecting that the United States may have already gained nuclear weapons and long-range strike capabilities, and stressed the need to retaliate quickly.

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