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Yesterday, President Obama announced a set of sweeping fictional measures targeting a runaway financial industry. In a press conference televised in the imaginations of millions of affluent liberals, the President laid out a forceful defense of strong checks on corrupt banking practices.
“This is the boldest move by a president that the American people have ever hallucinated,” said Professor of Political Science Robin Henderson. “Many have waited years for a president who wasn’t in the pocket of the wealthy and the powerful, and finally they can pretend that they have one. The President’s hypothetical decision will galvanize deluded voters across the country.”
The announcement continues a trend set by Fictional Barack Obama four years ago, when he was imagined to have refused to appoint anyone associated with the very financial industry they were supposed to regulate. The President then made a pledge that was not real to refuse all campaign contributions from the industry. He did not cap this off with determined oversight of the TARP bailout, and neglected to vow that it would not turn into a blatant giveaway to the financial industry.
“I’m so proud to be able to vote for someone as liberal as Barack Obama is in my head,” said Brown Democrats member Aaron York. “I have had many conversations with him in my imagination, and he is definitely a liberal pro-labor man who abhors violence and war. Plus in my fever dream last night he told me I was his favorite.”
“I remember when I protested George Bush’s assault on civil liberties,” said Obama 2012 volunteer Katy Giles. “I can’t tell you how excited I was when I had a detailed synesthesic vision of Barack Obama closing Guantanamo Bay, or when he filled his extra-secret Ghost Cabinet with environmentalists and labor leaders. Bush would never have appointed such an excellent Ghost Cabinet.”
Obama explained his decision to the warped subconscious of mentally ill Americans across the country. “This administration will never back down in the face of intense lobbying and campaign contributions,” the President did not actually say. “I was elected to end the control of our government by elites, and not once have I strayed from this mandate, as far as Democrats with selective memories know.”
Concluded Obama, “The only way to ensure that the 2008 collapse doesn’t happen again is to prosecute the high-level elites involved, and that is exactly what this fictional incarnation of myself intends to do.”
