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The Brown Noser

Oh, Are You Reading That Dostoevsky Novel For Fun?

Published Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

Hey! Where are you coming from? The Rock? Me too! Don't you just love sitting in the library stacks, poring over every ancient volume, savoring the musty smell of the pages? Oh, you were studying for a killer history test? Well, the library's good for that too, I suppose.

Hallie Cantor

But hey, what's that book under your arm? Picking up some light reading? Dostoevsky! What a fabulous choice! Whenever I just feel beat and worn-down, I tell you, nothing makes me feel more rejuvenated than paging through a copy of "Crime and Punishment."

Ah yes, I find poring over cramped pages of Dostoevsky's lengthy prose to be one of the most relaxing activities a college student can engage in. Some people watch "The Bachelor," others pound away at the elliptical, but I? I can only unwind through a thorough contemplation of good and evil, preferably in Dostoevsky's original Russian.

Yes, there's nothing like the frivolity of murder as told by a dead 19th century Russian man to escape the stress of constant homework, tests, essays and quizzes. That's why I read, you know - to escape the grindstone of everyday life. Classes make everything so complicated - analyze this! analyze that! - but Dostoevsky simplifies everything. I mean, obviously Raskolnikov's struggle is a nihilistic statement about the exponential chloroplasticism of life in a functionalist allusion to the Bible, Shakespeare and George Washington!

What's that you say? The only reason to read Shakespeare is to catch all those allusions dead writers make? What nonsense! Shakespeare is such a riot - his jokes are so up-to-date and the language is so accessible. I understand every word, and the overblown metaphors never confuse me! "Thou art" and "forsooth" are phrases that fall off the tip of my tongue, just as "like" and "totally" fall off yours. I applaud Shakespeare for adopting such a casual, conversational tone in his works.

So, you're not a Shakespeare fan. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, I guess. But surely you must relish your Dostoevsky? After all, you tote his masterpiece underneath your arm! Surely you have listed him as your favorite author on Facebook? Surely, in those precious spare minutes before class begins, you dive back into your Dostoevsky, practically drooling with anticipation to see what happens next. Will Raskolnikov spend 20 pages pondering his murder? Or will he spend only 19? I am on the edge of my seat with anticipation!

What? You're reading "Crime and Punishment" for class? They have a class on Russian literature? I say, they're offering classes in everything these days - first it's thousand-page volumes of Russian literature, but what next? Reality television? It's really ludicrous, isn't it, that people can simply laze around reading their Dostoevsky and actually get credit for it.

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