Partly Cloudy, 64°
As Albert Duncan ‘16 finished the wiring on his portable butter churn, Ian Fletcher ’16 began to suspect that something was not quite right with his roommate. "I soon came to realize that Albert’s not like the rest of us," said Duncan. “While your average freshman cares about sports and girls and popular science fiction television shows, Al’s got eyes for only one thing: butter. And lots of it.”
Added Fletcher, “It’s so embarrassing for me.”
It has quickly become clear that much of Duncan’s life revolves around his intense interest in all things butter. Duncan can often be found late at night at his desk, obsessively following news of his favorite butter companies. He speaks highly of Land O’ Lakes and AAA Sheabutter, while critiquing Country Crock for caring more about profits than the fans.
“Really, it’s not that unusual,” said Duncan. “In fact, me and a few guys across the hall like to get together and swap butter cartons. These are little pieces of cardboard with information about the butter printed on them. Is it really so weird that we collect these?”
Duncan’s passion for butter often makes it difficult for him to relate to others. Duncan, his classmates report, single-mindedly redirects all conversations to the topic of butter, and flies into a rage at the mention of hummus, marmalade and all artificially flavored spreads. He is often rendered inconsolable by the poor performance of his favored butter stocks.
“He’ll start talking about some cow breeding specialist and act all shocked when I haven’t heard of him,” said Fletcher. “His clothes, his posters, even the massive sticks of butter that cover his desk—they all reference butter in some way. Call it a metaphor for middle-class striving all you want, it just looks like plain old butter to me.”
“And when the World Butter Expo comes around, shit,” added Fletcher. “Don’t get me started.”
For his part, Fletcher fears that he will be tarred by association as a fellow butter nerd. “I wanted this to be the party dorm, where all the cool non-nerds would hang out,” said Fletcher. “But no one’s going to hang out with a couple of dairy nuts.” Fletcher added that he doubts any of the popular athletes would be friends with someone whose roommate enjoys butter.
“I tried telling him for his own good,” said Fletcher. “All the cool kids eat their toast unseasoned. If we don’t eat our toast unseasoned than no one will think we’re cool. It’ll be like my high school all over again.”
Fletcher than returned to scrubbing the congealed fat from his dorm room’s shag carpeting, without much success.
