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The Brown Noser

On This Plot Of Land Shall I Build A Thoroughfare For Carriages And Perhaps One Day They'll Sell $55 Tie-Dye Skirts Upon It by Lord William Thayer

Published Friday, March 11th, 2022

Avaunt, lads! I would fain tell ye of my plans to build a thoroughfare on this very plot of land so that carriages might hie themselves hither and yon, and so that one day they’ll sell $55 tie-dye skirts upon it.

O! The dreams I have of this causeway that I shall pave from end to end. Betimes it will hasten the commerce and trade of silver and livestock and textiles, and provide for the selling of enormous calzones that are enough for a whole meal and maybe lunch the next day, too. I see it in my mind’s eye all too clearly: journeymen and their mules wandering home from the mill, comely maids carrying pails o’water, fifteen drunk freshmen screaming as they wander into Insomnia Cookies, motorcyclists gunning their engines at random, serfs…

But well know I that a new avenue will not come without its ferocities. Woe betide the man who encounters a highway robber or a brigand, a strange man selling Portuguese jewelry or a guitar player who began learning a week ago. Keep ye the faith as ye travel, and make not ye eye contact.

Gentlefolk, I shall lay the cornerstone for this vaunted artery on the morrow. Soon can ye expect to see the markers of hale and hearty commerce: fishmongers, tanners, tailors, leatherworkers, two different Baja’s, a store called Sneaker Junkies that no one has ever been inside, a big Starbucks, and a bookstore that peddles ballpoint pens and keychains for 1,000 shillings apiece.


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