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According to David Melnik ’14, inhabitant of Room 310 in New Dorm A, there were originally a lot of other people at this party, but then Carlos Sanchez ’14 had to use the bathroom, and Christina Tollman ’15 remembered that her cat needed to be fed, and then Peter, Rachel, Jimmy and a whole bunch of other people were suddenly recruited for a top-secret FBI mission and had to leave.
The empty common room, illuminated by a lone strobe light and filled only with pounding dance music, was just a few minutes ago packed with people having a totally awesome time—until a SWAT team burst in and announced that the White House was under threat, and they needed as many drunk partiers as possible to come on a mission with them right now.
So, you are not the first one here, Melnik reports. It’s just that people had homework to get back to, or a load of laundry they had to put in the dryer, or had to leave on an emergency expedition to save the President.
Melnik wishes he could give you more information, but the mission was, after all, secret, and he is not trained to keep silent under Chinese water torture, so the FBI agents were unable to fill him in. Additionally, the people getting high in the bathroom were suspected of being double-agents, so it was best that Melnik know nothing.
Due to the seriousness of the mission, Melnik’s guests will likely not return to Brown, ever. So if you don’t hear anyone in Jo’s tonight raving about how great this party was, it’s probably because all the guests were absorbed into the FBI.
Melnik apologizes that you missed those cool FBI agents. Reportedly, they were totally getting into the party while they were here. They ate a lot of chips and dip and drank a lot of booze, and then they recruited those 50 other partiers for their top-secret mission, which is why nobody is here right now.
Melnik acknowledges that the chip bowls are still full. That’s because Melnik refilled them! According to Melnik, FBI agents are pretty hungry guys.
Reportedly, the FBI agents were saying that at their parties, everyone goes home by 10:45. So Melnik doesn’t know what you’re even doing at his door right now, because it’s clearly too late to join the party, especially since everybody else already left for the secret mission, so you totally missed out on the main event. Maybe if you had showed up at the time designated by the Facebook event, 10:00 p.m. precisely, you would have gotten to meet the FBI agents and participate in the mission.
