Immediately upon opening her laptop Wednesday in class, Madison Bernard ‘26 reported her computer is clearly out of shape since it’s breathing real hard right now.

“My computer has been huffing and puffing its ass off since the moment I opened Safari,” said Bernard as the computer’s pathetic endurance disrupted the entirety of her sociology lecture. “It can’t even handle running 8 windows without breathing its guts out and making a whole scene. I can feel everyone judging me for this ridiculous panting. It wouldn’t kill it to put some effort into its physical fitness so it doesn’t just overheat doing the most basic tasks. Frankly this computer’s stamina is just embarrassing.”

At press time, under the weather iPhone cracked like hell.

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