In response to nationwide reports of protester mistreatment, Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker has demanded that protesters in his state be dragged only into marked vans.

“What I’m seeing across the country is ridiculous,” said Pritzker at a news conference on Thursday, pounding his fist on the podium. “Non-threatening protesters are being stuffed into unmarked vehicles and driven away. This is not who we are as a nation. I want, nay I expect, to see non-threatening protesters being stuffed only into vehicles that are marked. And driven away.”

“This is how we’ve done things for years, folks,” Pritzker continued, waving an American flag. “You mark the vans. This isn’t hard. You put the name of a fake carpet-cleaning company on the outside, or the faded logo of a dockworkers’ union, but you mark it. God. It’s human decency.”

At press time, Pritzker was mandating that any shadowy figures driving unmarked vans in his state should be taken into custody by shadowy figures driving marked vans.

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