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The Brown Noser

Overeager Safewalker Escorts Student From Room To Shower

Published Friday, October 30th, 2020

Eagerly devoting himself to his job, Safewalker Andrew Hardtke bravely offered to walk a student from their dorm’s doorway to the shower down the hall.

“While students may not be walking to late-night parties anymore, I’m taking my job as a Safewalker more seriously than ever this semester," said Hardtke, adjusting his reflective vest under the dorm’s fluorescent lights. "Whether you’re heading for a quick rinse or a long, hot shower, I’ll be pacing up and down the hallways, ready to escort you safely.”

“You never know what might happen after a particularly late-night shower,” continued Hardtke, patiently waiting outside a Diman gender-neutral bathroom while a student brushed her teeth. “You could stumble on rotten Ratty takeout, or trip over a ripple in the hallway carpet. That’s where Safewalk comes in, to walk with you all ten steps of the way back to your room.”

In another expression of his steadfast commitment to safeguarding the student body, Hardtke reportedly stood guard in one student’s room while they slept.

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