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The Brown Noser

Overwhelmed Freshman’s Belief That Admissions Committee Made Mistake Actually True This Time

Published Friday, September 15th, 2017

Sources report that freshman Joey Ricci’s ridiculous belief that the admissions committee made a mistake by accepting him into Brown isn’t ridiculous at all. According to admissions officer Portia Nathan, it’s one hundred percent true.

“We read thousands of applications a year and take into account a variety of complex factors such as scholastic merit and net worth of parents," casually explained Nathan as she glanced at Joey’s application, which was filled with simple grammatical mistakes. "Given such a nuanced process, I’m not surprised Joey fell through the cracks. But the kid has a banner ID and already put 20 bucks in his PawPrints account so at this point we might as well keep him.”

Ricci reports suspecting the Admissions Office made a mistake ever since his classmates began listing their accomplishments in their introductions on the Class of 2021 Facebook page. Sources report that his parents assured him that everyone feels this way going into college. But Ricci was completely right.

“Every year, dozens of freshmen suffering from imposter syndrome come into our offices and tell us that the admissions committee definitely made a mistake,” explained CAPS counselor Melanie Ellis. “And these are students who interned in the Senate or got perfect SAT scores. So it’s not unusual for a freshman to have this fear. What is unusual is when this fear is completely grounded in reality. Joey didn’t participate in any extracurricular in high school and you can tell from his essay that he’s kind of a jerk. He shouldn’t be here."

At press time, Joey’s classmates mistakenly elected him President of The Class of 2021’s Class Board.

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